At times,
we get embroiled in endless arguments with no fruitful outcome and wonder why
the person across the fence is not able to appreciate our point of view.
There are
three things we exchange when we converse with someone, they are - a)
Information b) Value-System and c) Opinion.
Information:
The
first component we exchange in the discussion is information. If there is a
dispute on the information we share, there is an easy way out - that is,
to take the help of encyclopedia. This is all the more simple in the present
world of internet.
Value-system:
The
second component that we exchange in the discussion is our value-system. It is
more involved, subtle and forms the part of our reasoning.
Reason has
two components, i.e. the mathematical logic and the value-system. As far as the
logic is concerned there is no conflict because logic is mathematical and universal.
However,
when we take up social, national, ethical, religious or spiritual issues our
discussions involve organic elements such as honesty, freedom, money, beauty, status,
fears, health etc. that have no definite value. We need to assign some semblance
of value to them before we can account for them. As these elements are
unmeasurable, we assign them values that are subjective. It is here the
differences in the reasoning creep in.
The value-system forms silently over a period of time, with time
we identify with it and become possessive of it. Therefore value-system we possess
can’t be altered over a short discussion.
If we don’t
see the role of value-system in the discussion, we may argue endlessly without convergence.
The way out is that we shall split the reasoning into logic and value-system, identify
the differences in each other’s value-system, try to converge on common values if
we can else accept each other’s individuality and agree to end the discussion in
disagreement.
Opinion:
The
third component that we exchange in the discussion is Opinion. Opinions also
form over a period of time based on our knowledge, experiences, value-system,
priorities, preferences etc. A single sentence, a single act or a single
happening may dent it but will not be able to alter it altogether.
The problem
with opinions is that we become passionate and emotional about them. With time
our opinions become deep rooted, take possession of our mind and become inseparable
from our personality.
After one
has identified oneself completely with his opinions, he tries to enforce it upon
the others, apparently to justify that he is right. We fail to recognize that
just like our opinion is dear to us, other person is also possessive of his
opinion and just as we have formed an opinion over a time, the other person has
also formed his opinion over time.
The conflict
in the discussion arises from the fact that we already have conflicting opinions
even before we started the discussion.
The way to
avoid such a conflict is to know (i) that during the discussion we are also sharing
opinions, (ii) that the opinions are formed over a time and (iii) that they
can’t be altered easily by single observation or information.
How to end the discussion:
Thus if we
wish to engage in a fruitful discussion, we shall understand that outcome of
any discussion depends on (i) information, (ii) value-system and (iii) opinion.
Since value-system and opinion can’t converge over the discussion we will
hardly ever agree in any discussion.
And the best
way to end the discussion is to end in disagreement with some addition to the
information, a little bit modified value-system and a little bit altered
opinion. This would generally be the outcome of any discussion.
